My Brother's Panic Reached Me Two Time Zones Away

People assume twin closeness is all matching outfits and finishing sentences. For me and my brother Theo it has always been something heavier and stranger than that. We can be angry at each other for months and still feel each other's moods across a country.

Theo moved to the coast for work two years ago, which put two time zones between us. We text, we call on birthdays, we are not glued together. But distance has never seemed to matter to whatever it is that connects us. If anything it made it clearer, because now when I feel him, I know it is coming from far away and could not just be the room I am in.

One evening in April I was making dinner, perfectly content, listening to a podcast, when my chest went tight for no reason. My heart started pounding and a black wave of dread rolled through me. I gripped the counter. My first thought was that I was having a heart attack, but there was no pain, only fear, huge and shapeless and not mine. I have never had a panic attack in my life. I did not even know that was what I was feeling until later.

And underneath the fear was a face. It was Theo's. Not a vision exactly, more like a name written under the feeling, the way you know whose handwriting is on an envelope before you read it. I stood in my kitchen with my hand on my chest and I said, quietly, Theo, breathe.

I called him. It rang four times, which for us is a long time, and when he picked up his voice was ragged. He was in his car in a parking garage, he said, and he could not catch his breath, and he did not know why. He had been having these attacks for months, he admitted, ever since a bad stretch at work, and he had told no one. Not our parents, not his girlfriend. Not me.