Premium Seats Near the Couple: $50

We noticed the queue before we noticed the reason for it. At the reception entrance stood an easel with the seating chart, a small table, a cash box, and the groom's brother wearing the apologetic face of a man following orders he had argued against.

The chart had tiers. It is important that you believe me, so: I photographed it, and the photograph has been authenticated by two hundred witnesses since. 'PLATINUM — tables 1-2, adjacent to couple: $50/seat.' 'GOLD — tables 3-5, dance floor view: $30.' 'CLASSIC — tables 6-9: $15.' And then, in a font whose smallness did its own communicating: 'VALUE — tables 10-12: complimentary.' Table 11 held both sets of grandparents.

Payment was cash or a QR code that resolved — multiple guests verified — to the groom's personal account, with the payment reference pre-filled: 'SEAT UPGRADE.'

The system met its edge cases immediately. The bride's uncle attempted to haggle, offering $40 for platinum and citing the free bar he had funded. A software engineer from the classic tier found that the QR code accepted any amount and paid one cent for platinum, screenshotting the confirmation — 'it's on them to validate inputs,' he said, correctly. Meanwhile an insurgency formed at the value tables, which, being nearest the kitchen, intercepted every tray of canapes at source. Within an hour, table 11 was the social centre of the wedding, platinum was paying visits to value, and an elderly aunt was charging $2 for the good seats beside her, cash only, as satire.