The Previous Owner Left A Note In The Meter Cupboard: "HE ONLY WATCHES"

When you buy a house you get a folder. Boiler manual, warranty for a washing machine that has already gone, a leaflet about the bins.

In our meter cupboard, cable-tied to the pipe, there was a laminated card.

One side has the stopcock instructions and a diagram, which is genuinely useful and which I have used twice.

The other side says, in the same neat capitals:

"HE ONLY WATCHES. HAT AND COAT. UPSTAIRS LANDING, MOSTLY WINTER. HE HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING IN 31 YEARS. DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM AND DO NOT MOVE THE WARDROBE."

We laughed. We laughed for about four months.

I saw him in December, on the landing, at about two in the morning, on my way back from the bathroom.

Hat. Coat. Not close. Standing at the far end, by the wardrobe — the wardrobe, which is a built-in thing from the sixties that we had been talking about ripping out.

I did not speak to him. I would like to tell you that was a decision. It was not a decision; my mouth simply did not work.